Right, I'm in a bit of a muddle in a decision over one of my friends.

I've known her for years and have always classed each other as 'best friends'. I would do anything for her if it came down to it but more recently I've started to think I'm wasting my time.
She's the kind of person you know everything about and can tell everything to but it could be months in between talking and meeting but when we do see each other its like we've never been apart.

A couple of years back I got fed up with me being the person making all the effort and just stopped talking to her. We eventually got back into talking and it just carried on as before.

She's the kind of person who I'll arrange to see and then she'll let me down, forget or just end up being crazy late. This has bothered me before but I've always let it go as I know what she's like (a very 'typical' dim blonde).

A couple of months back she agreed to do the flowers and cake for another of my friends wedding in November. She knows the girl as well but they were never more than someone you say hello to and not alot else. We had arranged a day when we're all three meet up together to talk about designs and ideas and such, it was actually her suggestion as to when and where. It comes to the day and neither of us hear back from a call or text.

Now I can take being let down myself again and again, but when you let one of my other friends down as well I just decided I'd had enough and again I've made no effort to get back in contact with her again.

She messages me via facebook now and again to say how you doing and today its actually her birthday and I get a message basically saying I've forgotten and am I still alive.

I helped this girl with support while her husband was very bad to her and giving her strength to leave him in the end. She's dated a couple of people since and then got with a new guy the last time I saw her and they seem to be very happy together, she just ends up dropping her mates whenever she finds a new man.

Basically, what would you do? Give up on her, give her another chance or something else?

Any idea's appreciated. (sorry for the waffling!)

Hey Bubbles,

I've had this myself - some people are active in making the effort others just either don't realise they're making none or are happy to ignore it. My 'local' best friend forgot my birthday too last year some people bother others don't - i do!! She also always expected me to go there despite me having dogs and a kid and her no commitments.

Lets face it - your friend is not going to change - i don't think she's a bad person i just think that like you say she's not one for making the effort. It was really bad what she did to your other friend but what i would say is, knowing what she is like, if it had been me i would not have relied on her in the first place and would either have said thanks but its sorted or keep ringing her to remind her.

I don't think with the best will in the world you can class her as a best friend - she's not in all honesty - i don't even think she's a particularly good friend as there seems to be no give and take or meeting halfway if what you've said is right.

Sometimes friends outgrow each other. I don't personally think its a case of giving her another chance - she is what she is - you either accept it or not. If you decide to accept it then i would accept it in the form of you have other friends - this one is just an old friend. My best friend lives in Glasgow - i haven't seen her for 2 years - she's very poorly with Lupus i stayed an extra day in scotland to see her last weekend but she was too ill but when we meet up like you say it won't matter. The difference is she is my best friend but i have other interests.

If it were me i wouldn't even waste my breath trying to explain to her - if she doesn't get it now and it's gone on this long she won't do. Either have her as a friend that, as you say, you message on FB occasionally or meet up with every so often or accept her for how she is and carry on classing her as your best friend (which as i've said i don't think she is) or leave it and next time she gets in touch just say you're very sorry but it works both ways and you are no longer willing to be at her beck and call. I'd probably be tempted if i were the other friend to tell her how badly she's let her down and take no excuses!


Seriously Bubbles, don't waste sleep - it's her not you but you've let her do it to you and i don't think she'll appreciate you getting masterful with her now - she'll prob be bit put out for a bit when you don't make the running then she'll either make an effort (i doubt it) or you'll lose touch apart from FB messages and the occasional card (and that'll be not great loss). My 80 year old mother always says if you are true friends it doesn't matter how often you see or hear from each other she had the same best friend all her life until the friend died and that was despite them being evacuated during the war and her friend going back to the channel islands after the war and mum not.


Right that's my opinion - maybe we should start a new subject thread Claire 'Problems Page' i've always wanted to be an agony aunt after the life i've had i should be good at it!!

Suzie x

You're a fab agony aunt Ezzy!!

I've gone through this too many times Bubbles. It's called "fair weather friends". Try not to worry about it, you've been a great friend to her and very forgiving. Seeing as she can be a bit "dim" at times it's probably the fact she has the memory of a Goldfish and completely forgot about the wedding plans. Having said that it seems a little self centred her message to you about her birthday!

I would be inclined to be a little bit catty and say "yes I did forget it was your birthday, just like you forget about so and so's wedding cake/flower preparation meeting"

Nahhh that'll cause hell, don't do it

Ezzy's advice is spot on perfect. Sometimes you do just grow apart from friends. There is 1 saying that my parents taught me when I was little that I have always followed and believed in. Treat others how you like to be treated yourself. If they do not follow this very simple rule I regard them as an acquaintance rather than a friend. It's their loss not yours, I know it hurts when someone you considered a friend disappoints you but theres plenty more friendships you will make that will make the past ones insignificant

To put it bluntly, you can either carry on bending over backwards to accommodate this so called friend or you can put her out of your mind and let her do the running, if she really does value your friendship then she'll make an effort soon enough.
If she doesn't?
Well, it's one less birthday to remember

I've got a very good friend up in Yorkshire who is more like a sister to me (that just means I love her to bits but she annoys the buggery out of me sometimes )
We can go for long periods with no contact but when we do pick up again it's like there's no gap.

I know if I really needed her support/help in anything then she'd be there for me.....Can you say the same of your "friend"?

Ezzy, I have to say that that is some of the best advice I've ever heard, let alone on a forum !!!!

Totally agree with Ezzy, every single word !!

I too, agree with every word Ezzy said !!

As for an 'Agony Aunt' Section I think it's a brilliant idea ..... and we have our first entry, I'll move this thread over to it

I think you've basically said what I was thinking.
I didnt forget her birthday yesterday, I knew full well it was and chose not to write one of those throw away Happy Birthday messages. When she said 'oh you've forgotten my birthday I did think about saying something along the lines of 'you forgot our friendship' but I figured its her birthday and I didnt want to ruin it for her.

I havent classed her as my best friend for a very long time simply because I just dont really know her anymore, I have some fantastic mates and can do without her easily enough. We were close and used to do everything together but I have just had enough now and as much as I can be there when she needs someone to cry to I know I couldnt call her in the same situation so I'm just not going to bother anymore.

Thanks guys.....very appreciated.xxxx

You're welcome - you dont have to be rude to her just put yourself first and don't feel guilty about doing it (says she who is just as bad as that!!!!)

I agree with every wise word so far! A friend is someone who you know without fail will be first at the door if needed,at the end of the phone when you call,the hug when your needy and best of all the phone call or door you knock at when you have something to share-A person who makes you feel bad about yourself or heavy hearted is no friend.I had really bad time few years back,people I thought were friends took sides and made me feel bad about myself-the best thing I did was delete their no's from my phone!I didn't feel bad about not contacting them because I couldn't! As already said sometimes you can grow apart,cherish the friends you have.Maybe one day she'll realise how much she misses your friendship and realise how much she's lost?